The follow are a collection of jokes about scams or con artists. Those with links will lead you to more information about the scam and it's application in the real world.

Enjoy





George and Jack
George Burns was having his weekly lunch with Jack Benny when he suggested a way to get a free lunch.

"You know what Jack, we've been coming here for so many years, this place must have made a fortune from us. Not only do we spend a lot of money, we bring in a lot of business!"

"You're probably right George."

"So how about, when the bill comes, you insist on paying it!"

"How does that get us a free lunch?"

"Well, then I will insist on paying it. we get into a big fight and eventually you say "That is it! If you don't let me pay, I will never have lunch with you again." The restaurant will be so scared of losing out business, they'll have to give us the meal for free to shut us up!"

"I love it!"


So, at the end of the meal, the waiter comes over with the bill and place it on the table. Jack, will a big grin on his face, takes out his wallet and says;

"I'M paying for the lunch today, George!"

"Thank's Jack, that is very nice of you."





The Sisters Of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.



I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets.

Take your wipers off.



Getting Pissed
A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500 that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ooook buddy. You got a deal." So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup.

The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up." So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you laughing?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies, "

Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it!"



Card Cheatin'
Four cowboys were at the old saloon in Tombstone playing poker. A lot of money was at stake as the cards were dealt, and each was keeping a sharp eye on the other.

As one of the players called the hand and laid out his cards, another one stood up in amazement.

"Hey, George is cheatin'. He ain't playin' the cards I dealt him!"



Dogs Playing Poker
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.

"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."

"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."

"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"



Snake Eyes!
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive brunette comes in and wants to bet ten thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing a top."

With that said she pulls off her top and rolls the dice while screaming, "Momma needs a new blouse." She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

"YES! I win - I win." She grabs up her money and top and quickly leaves the table.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought you were watching!"



Famous Historical Bet
Coolidge was known for his terse speech and reticence. A woman bet her friend that she could get Coolidge to speak to her, which was something he was reluctant to do.

She went up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."

Coolidge replied dryly, "You lose,"

(In the book America - Democracy Inaction, it is suggested that Coolidge's pithy reply was "Fuck you")



I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas. I didn't cheat..I just misunderstood what the crap table was for.



Turtle Bar Bet
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, "This beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -

"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"



Construction Workers Propositional Bet.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."




The Strong Arm Of The Law
A pickpocket has finally been caught and has been found guilty in court of a long list of crimes. The judge says to the pickpocket "give me one good reason why I should not look you up."

To which the pickpocket replies "Well, it wasn't me! You see my right arm stole the watch. I should not be held responsible for something my right arm did!"

The judge figures that this particular criminal is a smart alec and so decides to play him at his own game.

"Very well! I sentence your right arm to ten years hard labour."

At which point the pickpocket removes his artifical arm, lays it on the judges bench, and walks free!



Mother of all Scams
A man is standing in the supermarket looking for milk when he notices an old lady staring at him and crying. He asks her what is wrong and she says. "Oh I am so sorry. It's just you remind me of my son. He worked here and every weekI would come and visit him at work, buy my groceries and then, on the way out the door he would shout "Bye mum!" "

"that is quite lovely. But why are you crying?"

"Well, he died recently and this is the first time I have been back into the shop since. When I saw you standing there I thought it was him"

"I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"Well...it is a bit silly...but if you could shout "Bye mum" when I leave that would make me so happy."

The man agrees and the woman pushes he trolley through the checkout and, as she leaves, she turns to him with a hopeful smile. So he shouts "Bye mum!" across the supermarket.

A few minutes later, the man is at the checkout himself, thinking what a good deed he has done when the checkout clerk hands him his bill.

"that will be $235.34 please"

"What? Why so much?"

"Well, there is your milk and your mother's groceries. She said you would be paying."



The eyes have it
Two men are drinking in a pub.

"I bet you $50 I can bite my eyeball"

"No you can't! I want a piece of that action. $50 says it can't be done"

With that, the first man takes out his glass eye and bites. After the seond man pays up, the drink a little more until the first man says.

"I bet you $50 I can bite my OTHER eye!"

"Now I KNOW you don't have two glass eyes. You're on!"

With that, the first man takes out his false teeth and bites his other.



DUI
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The con artist replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."




Change Machine
Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend. Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith, "did I find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!"